September 27, 2007

Fall is in the air and that means seven things: Political elections, Lyle Lovett’s birthday, the holiday where ghosts make candy, April Fool’s Day, it’s too cold to play tennis, look out for skunks, and most of all, baseball.


I like winners. That’s why I only watch baseball for the last month of the season. Every other month is about losses teams rack up, but September is for winners. Same goes for handball, but nobody pays attention to handball anymore. Handball’s become soccer for people that think soccer’s too mainstream.

Never been to Cooperstown, but if I had to pick my own quintet of Hall of Famers, they’d be Stormin’ Gorman Thomas from the Brewers, Tommie Agee from the New York Metropolitans, Oakland Athletic Matty Keough, Boog Powell over in Baltimore, and my father, John Kinsella of the Chicago White Stockings. I’d put those five guys on the field against any team of nine you’ve got. They’d whoop ‘em.


When I was little, I took the cover off a baseball and made it into a hat for my schnauzer.


I hear the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series. Let that be a lesson to everyone: That’s what you get for making love to a goat in center field.


When will baseball teams learn? If you want your league to survive, you’ve got to have cheerleaders. I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t know how long baseball’s going to be around if they don’t get their act together. Let the ladies cheer!


I went through a stretch a few years back where I wore batting gloves to work because my hands were so slippery. I was wearing special deodorant at the time because I tend to sweat a lot and it made the sweat come out of my palms instead of my pits. The batting gloves helped out, but with all the moisture, they ended up smelling like death and who likes to be reminded of that? I donated them to the Baseball Hall of Fame and took it as a write-off.


I’m giving thirty to one odds on Cincinnati for the Series this year. Let me know if you’re interested.


How’s this for a slogan for Major League Baseball: “Baseball: We’re just like the other sports you like, but we play more games and the score’s a lot lower.” I’m going to make t-shirts. Who’s buying one?