If anyone knows how to get chocolate out of hair, let me know. I fell asleep on top of forty Fun Size Milky Ways last night and now I’ve got nougat everywhere. I already tried peanut butter, but that just made my hair into a different kind of candy. I’ll make you a deal: you get it out of my hair, you get to keep it.
Parents always freak out about crazy people giving their kids apples with razorblades hidden inside for Halloween. Those parents are idiots. If you’re getting a free razorblade inside your apple, you shouldn’t be complaining. And if you really want to impress me on Halloween, give me some licorice. That stuff hits the spot.
I think I beat my Halloween candy record this year. I’ve got six garbage bags full and that’s after I threw away all of the Smarties and hard candy. Before you go all crazy saying “Creed’s too old to be trick-or-treating,” let me tell you something: if you rat me out, I will come after you. This is the only time of the year where I’m in a disguise and people give me candy. Don’t ruin it.
When I trick-or-treat, I always wear a full facemask so nobody knows how old I am. This year I went as classic Montreal Canadiens hockey goalie Jacques Plante. You’re always good to go when you’re dressed as a famous former athlete. People revere athletes. They love giving them candy. To further get around the age issue, I pretended I was a deaf-mute version of Jacques Plante so nobody could hear my voice. That really made the difference. I carried around a note to explain the whole thing.
Happy Halloween. I’m a deaf-mute, which is why I can’t say trick-or-treat. I still want your
candy though, so please dump it in my bag. You may want to give me double if you feel
guilty about my disability.
Peace and love,
Former Montreal Canadiens Hockey Goalie Jacques Plante
One guy thought I was actually Jacques Plante and he wouldn’t give me anything. I guess he was a big Maple Leafs fan.