They say the Friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Not for the old Creedster. For me, Black Friday’s when I work out all my problems. I don’t need to waste my cash on fancy “therapists” or “court-appointed analysts.” Instead, I just suit up and get ready for battle. That’s how I celebrate the fourth Friday of every November.
This year, I didn’t even go to sleep after Thanksgiving. I was so jazzed up from the massive portion of cranberry sauce that I couldn’t stop pacing. At around 2:30am, I decided it was time to start getting ready. I wrapped my body in newspapers and Black Friday ads until I had a good enough base to know I’d be okay if anybody had a shiv. Then I started gathering my weapons. Instead of brass knuckles (which I always lose), I found these really sharp plastic spider rings that were leftover from Halloween. For poking and tripping, I grabbed a cane from one of the geezers at the soup kitchen. [SIDE NOTE: People underestimate the value of old man weapons. I’m allowed to walk around with a cane anywhere I damn well please and that cane comes in handy, let me tell you. It’s just one of those social conventions that works in favor of the elderly – same goes for early bird senior specials at restaurants.]
So after I got myself ready, I headed over to the mall. That place usually gets rocking at around five in the morning, so I made sure to be there by four to snag a good place in line. I find the toy stores to be the center of the mayhem most years, so I headed there first. All these parents were just foaming at the mouth to get their hands on the latest Cabbage Patch Elmo Pokey-Man Nintendos and I couldn’t wait to get in their way. As soon as the doors opened, I started a stampede. I’ve got old standbys that I yell out to really heat things up. “They’ve only got three left!” “Huge sale in Aisle Five!” “That jerk is taking all of them!” Nobody has any idea what I’m referring to, but they get all worked up nonetheless. Almost right away, people started shoving and pushing and where was I? Right in the middle of all the action.
I started out by poking people with my cane and scratching them with my rings and pretty soon, I didn’t care so much about sales tax or cold weather or paternity suits – all the things that stick in my craw, really. Nobody got seriously injured and all my bottled up feelings just disappeared, so it was a win-win for everyone, in my opinion.
Once I finished at the toy store, I moved on to the electronics stores where I started over from scratch and instigated a whole new riot. It felt great. I’ll tell you what — this is shaping up to be one of the best holiday/therapy seasons of all time.