May 15, 2008

Between the ages of 18 and 31, I completely lost my sense of smell. I was using this nose spray that was supposed to make me a better lover and after about a week of using the stuff, I couldn’t smell a damn thing. It might have been all of the ground-up tiger particles that were supposed to really jump-start your manhood, but who knows? Anyway, I didn’t get my sniffer back until a few days after my 31st birthday when I was walking past this Ukrainian deli and thought to myself “Am I smelling kovbasa?” Indeed I was. I launched into that sausage like there was no tomorrow because it was the first thing I could really taste in years. Ever since then, I’ve been really aware of how important smell is to me.

That’s why I’m proud to announce the arrival of my new fragrance, “CreedScents.” It’s a mixture of my favorite smells: gasoline, three-day-old cigarettes, cash money, pineapple, bleach, and dirt. It smells awesome. When you walk around, people stop and look at you as if to say “Is that you that I’m smelling?” Well, folks, yes it is, and now, for the first time ever, you can smell like me, too. I’m personally bottling it in 100% recycled water bottles that still have their original labels. Just hook up a little squirt attachment to the top (sold separately) and spray away! You can smell like Creed! Your pet can smell like Creed! Your home can smell like Creed! Your car can smell like Creed! Even your kids can smell like Creed! Buy some CreedScents now!

Just a little legal disclaimer: Don’t drink CreedScents. Don’t use CreedScents as a cleaning liquid. CreedScents is not intended to touch the human skin. If your skin comes into contact with CreedScents, immediately scrub the infected area for roughly one hour or else your skin may begin to melt. CreedScents should not be inhaled. Once in the bloodstream, CreedScents can do serious damage to both your brain and most of your major organs. CreedScents should not be used as a narcotic, although it functions as one if distilled into a gel-cap. Please do not distill CreedScents into gel-caps, as the narcotic it becomes is equivalent to a lethal combination of absinthe, lithium, and hemlock. You may get high for a minute, but you’ll be dead forever. By purchasing CreedScents, you agree to release me, Creed Bratton, from any legal action whatsoever. Also, any problems not mentioned here that arise from the use of CreedScents shall be deemed “implied risks” and cannot be used against me, Creed Bratton, in any type of lawsuit.

Stop sitting on your fat ass and buy some CreedScents today!