Remember when I told you about those flashbacks I was having with my old dog Bozo? Well guess what? He’s back, or rather, she’s back. I found a dog that looked just like Bozo wandering around Wilkes-Barre over the weekend by herself and I immediately snatched her up. You might think it’s cruel to snatch a dog, but I say it’s the only way. I got a real big sack with breathing holes cut all over it and then I coaxed her to walk into it by throwing about fifteen hot dogs in there. Once she was in the sack, I took her home with me and we’ve been best friends ever since. I’ve been thinking about fitting her for a saddle since she’s kind of big and I’ve been meaning to start a doggy ride business for carnivals anyway.
Doggy rides were one of my favorite childhood pastimes. Pony rides and elephant rides seem to be the most popular form of animal rides, but doggy rides are a lot more fun. They’re like those mini-motorcycles that crazy idiots buy these days. With a doggy ride, you never know where you’re going to end up: The dogs might take off like jack-rabbits when they see something or the dogs could just plop down and take a rest. We used to call those Sitsies. You could never get a refund for a Sitsie, but you’d always get a rain check.
My first step in dog ownership is training. I’ve already trained my pooch to relax, bark at the doorbell, and drink water. Pretty soon we’re going to work on pee in the house and growl. She’s super smart, so she’s been picking everything up so quickly. I really want to teach her to give me haircuts, but I’ve had bad luck giving animals hair clippers recently.
Picking a name is the most important part of getting a new dog. With a girl dog, you’ve got a few ways to go. You can call her a traditional feminine name, like Molly or Annabelle, you can name her something that relates to the way she looks like Blackhead or Furry Paws, or you can name her based on something you really like. That’s why I’m calling my dog “Hot.” I love hot dogs. Always have, even in my vegetarian days. Now that I have my own little hot dog running around with me, I’ll be constantly reminded of her sausage-y goodness. If you see Hot and me taking a stroll, come on over and say hi, but watch out. I’m in the middle of training her to bite strangers.