March 6, 2008

A lot of people say that when you get to be my age, it’s much harder to stay in shape. What a load of poppycock. Just look at me. I’m a machine. Based on my own measurements, I have roughly 2% body fat. I’m so cut, I could model for Italian sculptors. If the government wanted to, they could build robot soldiers in my likeness. So don’t go telling me that it’s hard to stay fit.

My diet is pretty simple. Mung beans for breakfast, mung beans for lunch, and then a sensible dinner – usually comprised of more mung beans. For beverages, I only drink water or whiskey and when I’m drinking whiskey, it’s usually when I’m working out. It gives me the courage to lift more than I can when I’m sober.

Every month or so, I’ll invent a new diet for myself that I stick to for about a week. Last month, I only ate watermelon seeds and bacon fat. This month, I’m thinking of trying out a squirrel diet: acorns, berries, assorted tree leaves, and, of course, squirrel. I’ll let you know how it goes.

The real secret to my success is my workout regimen. I do all my lifting in the office at night after everyone leaves. First I start with my sit-downs. I stand up and sit down on my chair twenty-five times or until I can’t whistle. Then I move over to the break room to do my patented Vending Machine Push. It’s real simple – just tip the vending machine towards you and push it towards the wall without letting it actually tip back onto its base. I’ll do this until I feel like I’m going to die. Then I do two more and slam that puppy back against the wall. The Vending Machine Push actually has two purposes. It makes your chest flat like Heston’s in Ben-Hur and you get a lot of free snacks because they rattle loose when you’re doing all the pushing. It’s the most valuable part of my workout. I usually finish up by doing sprints through the kitchen, but last week some numbnuts spilled coffee on the floor and I took a pretty nasty tumble. I was really pissed until I remembered that I was the one who spilled the coffee. Let that be a lesson to us all: don’t fall into traps you set for your co-workers.