March 13, 2008

What’s better than a nice, hot bath? Almost nothing except for a nice, hot bath with a foxy lady and some fine aged Dominican cigars. You can get Dominican stogies almost anywhere, but I still like to smuggle them in. It gives me a sense of accomplishment when I smoke them. Makes me feel proud.

When I’m sitting in that tub, I light one up and enjoy it for hours. I don’t mind the water wrinkles I get from staying in there too long, because hey, I’ve got enough wrinkles of my own so who am I to complain? Plus, when I park my kiester in that tub long enough, I feel like I’m just another part of the water so it doesn’t even matter that I have skin in the first place. I like to pretend I’m just a merman enjoying my aqua bounty.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not an actual merman. Mermen are terrible bastards and I don’t want to be associated with them in any way. Most people think that they’re dolphins, because they wear dolphin masks to blend in, but they’re actually a ruthless breed of greedy webbed-leg pirates who attack sailors and make them give up their citrus. Why do you think dolphins are considered mammals? It’s because when those sea doctors try to study them, they keep on catching mermen dressed up as dolphins. Real dolphins are fish, like enormous tuna, which is why I don’t understand why people make such a fuss about dolphin-safe tuna. Dolphin is the best kind of tuna, people. If you want a tasty sandwich, you’d get yourself some tuna-safe dolphin. Trust me on this one.

Back to baths for a second. I like baths so much more than showers. I mean, who likes standing under a hose when you can be sitting in a miniature swimming pool? When you take a bath, you’re making a commitment to cleanliness because baths get the job done. That’s why my weekly bath is one of the most important things I do. Stay clean, people, otherwise rubes can smell you when you sneak up behind them.