June 5, 2008

Let’s talk about gas, because at this moment in history, it’s out of control. Seriously. I’ve had bad gas for weeks now and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s terrible and I mean really awful. It smells a little like a mix between very wet cats and regurgitated corn chips. I don’t know what’s been causing it, but I need to find out because it’s making me sick.

Honestly, if I didn’t have to smell it myself, I’d be happy about it. Gas is a powerful weapon. You want some space to yourself? Unload a popper and those seats next to you clear out real fast. You want a day off of work? Start a little seat orchestra and you’ll be sent home in no time. I wish I were back in my twenties when I couldn’t smell anything because then I’d have some fun with these stinkbombs. Sadly, every time I let one go, I’m my own first victim.

I end up being victim to myself a lot. That’s what happens when you do a lot of home chemical mixing. It started out as a hobby, but I’ve really stepped up my game in the last few years. I’m trying to find a chemical cure for wrinkles, but it’s not going so well. I have, however, invented quite a few potions for giving yourself rashes. When rashes come back into “vogue,” I’ll be the king of the rash world.

Rash World sounds like a really fun theme park, don’t you think? I’d visit, as long as the admission price wasn’t too high. I wonder if they have funnel cakes at Rash World. Funnel cakes are incredible. They’re my favorite fried batter-based cake.

Other types of cakes that I enjoy: snack cakes, birthday cakes, coffee cakes, tea cakes, ice cream cakes, urinal cakes, erotic cakes, layer cakes, hot cakes, and wedding cakes. Cakes that I do not enjoy: cupcakes. Why waste my time on a cupcake when I can get the real deal? Cupcakes should only be eaten in times of war or famine. Or when they’re filled with cream. That’s it.