July 3, 2008

The 4th of July is tomorrow and some would say it’s the greatest American holiday. Not me. I think America Day beats the pants off of the 4th of July.

You may have missed America Day this year because it’s not really well-advertised. It takes place on June 20th and it is a sight to behold. America Day was created by a friend of mine named Samuel Che Emanuel. He’s rail-thin with a haircut that looks oddly as if a woman had her hair cut short like a man. It’s hard to describe, but it’s a feminine masculine haircut, if that makes sense to anyone. He’s a real sparkplug of a guy. Grew up in the wilderness of Colorado with a pet bear. It was a midget bear, so he didn’t have to worry about it eating him or anything. His parents were trappers and lived “off the grid” so to speak, so wildlife pets were nothing new to him.

Anyway, one day, Sammy Che (as we call him) was walking with Midgy (as he called his bear) and stumbled upon a rock formation that looked like an eagle soaring through the air with a flag waving behind it. I’m guessing that Sammy Che was tripping pretty hard that day, so who knows what the rock formation actually looked like. All we know is that Sammy Che returned home and declared that day America Day. When I first met Sammy Che, it was the 20th anniversary of America Day and he showed me how the day is properly celebrated.

First, you wake up and immediately eat an apple. Why an apple? Because there’s nothing more American than an apple. The next step in a successful America Day is selecting the right costume. For the past five years, I’ve opted to dress as Henry Clay, one of the best greatest senators in American history. The costume is up to you, though. It should be somehow related to America’s greatness, but doesn’t have to be a person. I’ve seen Constitutions, watermelon, and a costume that illustrated America’s immigration policy from 1885-1921.

Once you’re in costume, it’s time to participate in the traditional parade entitled “America the Beautiful,” where everyone parades around in their costumes and throws hard candy at each other. The parade is my favorite part of America Day.

After the parade, everyone goes to the liquor store, buys a bunch of beer and drinks until they can’t say “Democracy.” It’s truly the greatest holiday we have. Next June 20th, everyone should give it a shot.

America! Living the dream!