July 12, 2007

Visors are hats for people that like getting ripped off.


Here’s the thing about handcuffs: there’s only one key for all of them. It’s not like the Tampa cops have their own special key and the Saskatchewan Mounties have a different one. They’re all the same. So the one true goal in any criminal’s life is to get a copy of the handcuff key. I’ve got thirty. If you want to buy one, you know where to find me.

What ever happened to free love, man? Now I’m paying ten, fifteen dollars for it.


My favorite part of the newspaper is the fun little stories about the dead people and their relatives.


Do you remember where I parked my van?


A pinky’s always a pinky, but a pointer and a ring finger are pretty interchangeable if you need them to be.


There’s nothing better than a wishing fountain. Go ahead, idiots, keep throwing your cash away. Old Creed will make those wishes come true.


I’ve got an idea.


About thirty years ago, I fell in love with a blond woman. She wore vests and skirts and had flowers in her hair. I think her name was Nancy. If you’re out there, Nancy, I’m not mad at you anymore. You can keep the hundred bucks you stole. I just want you back. And my birth certificate.


Books are great when you can’t find a pillow.


Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 2-33-26