January 24, 2008

I saw that Willy Wonka movie last weekend and I didn’t care for it one bit. For one thing, that boat scene triggered a flashback that took a full day to get out of. Also, I don’t like the message it sends to kids. Chocolate should be eaten because it’s delicious, not because you want to see the place where the chocolate is made. I’ve been to chocolate factories before and they’re okay, but they’re really nothing special. They’ve got a tasty smell but that’s about it. If you’re looking for a contest with a real prize, play the lottery.

Also, some things in that flick just didn’t add up. First of all, if I was in that crowd when the little kid found the golden ticket, there’s no way I’m letting him get home with it. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but that kid couldn’t have been more than eleven or twelve years old. I’d just trip him, snag the ticket, and that would be the end of it. Goodbye sissy kid, hello free trip to chocolate paradise.

Second, there’s no gum in the world that’s going to turn you into a blueberry and if there were, you couldn’t just be juiced to get you back to normal. You’d have to go through some pretty extensive surgery and I doubt your insurance would cover it. Mine barely covers my medicated foot cream, which brings me to my next point. Old people can’t sleep head to toe like that because we’ve got enough fungus on out feet to knock out elephants. Trust me. The bottom of my foot could be used as a biological weapon.

I don’t trust people who say my name too many times when they’re talking to me. “You know what I mean, Creed?” “Well, Creed, I thought I’d never see you again.” “Creed, you’re under arrest, Creed.” What an obnoxious habit. It’s not my real name anyway, so don’t waste your breath, you know?

Went to a bathroom that had green-apple scented soap the other day. It smelled so good it made me want to eat my hands.