I don’t usually title these buggers, but today I’m going to. I’m calling it “What I Look for in a President” because I keep hearing all kinds of buzzing about Presidents and elections and blacks and ladies and Mormons and short guys. I don’t follow the news, but I use newspapers for lots of other purposes so it kind of just soaks in.
I’ve been through lots of Presidents in my time and after a while, you get a sense of what you want in a leader. Here’s my list of what I look for in a President:
1. I want a President who likes to dance. You get a square up there and none of the other countries want to party. The key to international relations is dancing.
2. My President needs to get pissed. Too many of those stiffs get to the White House and glad-hand everyone. Somebody does something terrible to America, they sit there calmly in their football-shaped office and tell us that everything is going to be okay. I want a dude (or dudette) who grabs a golf club and smashes things when they talk to the nation. I want a leader who’s not afraid to tell everyone to go to hell.
3. I want a President that looks good dressed up. Nice cheeks bones are an added bonus.
4. If they’re going to make bad decisions, they better make up for them spectacularly. I’m talking personalized apology notes, public floggings, and free ice cream. If they want to sit in a dunk tank, I’ll be the first in line to take a shot.
5. I want at least three controversies, none of which make America look bad. The President getting caught with an unbelievably foxy hooker is okay, but the President getting caught hitting the foxy hooker is not. Selling weapons to Europe is fine, but selling weapons to Asia is not. I’ll also accept some kind of unintentional foreign insult controversy, but it has to be funny and not boring.
Look, it’s not like I vote or anything. I’m just sharing my guidelines for good leadership. You should probably figure out what you look for in a President on your own because it’s good for democracy blah blah blah. Hopefully next November, if I’m still in America, whoever gets voted in will hit all five of my criteria. If not, I can always move to Saskatchewan. I hear Regina’s nice.