February 28, 2008

So guess who didn’t watch the Academy Awards last weekend? Me. I was too busy selling my TV for a case of hand towels. The story’s way too long and my arthritis has been acting up so I’m not going to write about it here. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of hand towels now and I’m only a little bit upset that I missed the Oscars. Doesn’t matter, though. I’ve got my own awards to give out. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you The First Annual Bratton Awards, chosen by me. For the record, nobody’s getting a gold statue or anything. If I had gold statues lying around, I’d melt them down and sell them for cashola. On to the awards!

The Fatso Award goes to…

Fatso. In accounting. This one was a no-brainer. That dude is heavy. I don’t want to make him mad though, because I eat a lot his M&Ms; when he leaves for the day. If you’re reading this, Fatso, I’m talking about the other Fatso in accounting. The one with all the hair. Not you.

The Katharine Ross Award goes to…

The Receptionist girl – Penny! She’s everything that Katharine Ross was in The Graduate. I don’t really remember much about the movie, but I do know that she was a foxy lady and so is the receptionist girl. Plus, she has a hot mom.

The Black Guy Award goes to…

Nobody. I wanted to give it to Stan, but he really cheesed me off today when we were both in the kitchen and he took the last Sleepytime tea bag without even asking me if I wanted it, so I disqualified him. I guess I could give it to the security guard downstairs, but that guy’s kind of a jerk, too. There’s always next year, black guys.

The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to…

My shoes. I’ve had them since 1987. That’s a lifetime for a pair of shoes. The soles wore through in the mid-nineties, but I just duct-taped the hell out of them and they’ve been fine ever since. Thanks a lot, shoes!

Look, my arthritis just flared up real bad again, so I’m calling it quits. Check back next year for The Second Annual Bratton Awards. I think I’ll start calling them The Creedos.