December 20, 2007

I’ve practiced a lot of religions over the years and of all of them, my favorite is still the Fraternal Order of Eternal Christmas. It was a fairly small group that I helped put together in ’83 just outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. The basic tenet was that, for us, Christmas was every single day. We’d wake up every morning and open presents, then we’d all sit around and have a delicious group lunch. At night, we’d have Christmas Eve dinner with goose and stuffing and then we’d go to bed, waiting for the whole thing to happen all over again. I came up with this groovy creation story about Santa being a real man that arose from an elven tribe living among the polar ice caps. People really seemed to dig it. We got about thirty or forty followers before we got shut down by the State of Nebraska. Apparently, people were doing a lot of stealing to keep the religion going financially.

This is going to come as a shock to all of you, so find yourself a recliner and park your caboose in it because here we go: I love Christmas decorations. I do. Lights, mangers, inflatable Santas – you name it, I love it. They remind me of some really great trips I took back in the day.


You know what I found out? Menorahs make great weapons. Just swap out the candles with razor blades and you’re good to go.


If you can’t afford a Christmas turkey from the supermarket, just bag yourself a free Canadian Goose. They’re all over the place and taste very festive.


During the holidays, I like to go to the mall dressed as Santa. You’d be surprised how much free food you get when you’re in costume. Last year I got in a fight with the “real” mall Santa and I kicked his ass back to the North Pole, which, for him, was somewhere out by Altoona. Took a lot of pictures with kids that day and I made a bunch of moola, too.


Listen up, people: I’m going on a little holiday “vacation,” so I don’t know when I’ll next be in front of the old com-pu-ta-dor. Hopefully Customs won’t be too much of a problem this time and I’ll be back in no time with a new balloon collection. Good tidings to all and to all a good fight.