August 2, 2007

Fall is just around the corner and you know what that means: Crab Apple Season. I’m getting hungry just thinking about them. These little buggers pop up all over the place and nobody wants them because people are idiots. As a result, they’re absolutely free, which is my favorite price of all.


Crab apples have a whole stinkload of benefits. Back when I was little, my grandpa used to stick a crab apple in my mouth every time I stuttered. And guess what? I don’t stutter anymore. Crap apples are tiny miracles.

Anyway, farmers usually get mad when I help myself to their apples but when I’m picking up crab apples, I’m a real American hero to them. Also, crab apples are an instant cure for cancer. Plus, crab apples are useful in all situations. You can use them in jelly or applesauce or one time I cut myself real bad trying to get over some razor wire. Took out a crab apple, sliced it in half, rubbed it on my wounds and a few minutes later I was better than new. Ended up getting a pretty nice TV out of that night, too.


I can’t think of anything else in my life that I look forward to more than Crab Apple Season. Maybe 4th of July, but that’s just because I know when everyone’s going to be out of their houses watching fireworks. If you’re looking for a free nutritious food that’s available without dealing with the jerks at the grocery store, you really can’t beat crab apples. Stay away from Scranton, though, because those crabbies belong to me.


Side Note: Crab apples have nothing to do with real crabs. I don’t want to get into some kind of lawsuit because you made an idiotic assumption, so I’m setting the record straight right now. Crab apples contain no actual crabmeat. There you go.