I’m a romantic guy. Always have been. Fell in love for the first time in the fourth grade with the Truancy Officer. Ever since then, I’ve had a thing for women with badges. Cops, security officers, DEA — doesn’t matter to me. They’re all foxy.
Love is tricky. It makes you do crazy things. Back in ’73, I got into a love triangle. Love pyramid, really. Put $6,000 into a cigarette resale venture and just waited for the dough to start pouring in. It never did. Lost my savings for a shot with the DePalma sisters, but it was worth it. I’ve still got some old smokes sitting in a storage shed up in Delaware. It’s my little reminder of the price of love.
If I ever wanted to get married again, I’d go for height over substance. Pretty wives are good for taking to buffets, but tall wives get you noticed. Wealthy’s also a good quality to find in a lady. I’ve got to find me a rich, tall broad. That’ll keep me happy.
There’s one lady who might fit the bill and her name is Louise. She works as a toll collector at the Wilkes-Barre exit on the Pike. Lou’s a big woman, really fills out her uniform and I like it. I’m going to show up at her tollbooth next weekend wearing my lucky socks and my sex pants. Then I’m going to read her a poem I’ve been working on, in the style of my man Willy Carlos Williams. After that, I’ll spray paint all the windows in her booth black and show her why they call me “The Guiding Principle.” It’s going to be smooth. Don’t know if she’s rich, but she definitely has access to a lot of change and that’s good enough for me.
There’re only six things you need if you want to snag a good woman: A guitar, chicken, wine, a car, running water, and some permanent markers. If you don’t have a guitar, a lute will do. You get those six things and you’re Don Juan, trust me.