Man, the holidays really bum me out. Nobody makes me ham. Nobody bakes me cookies. Nobody buys me presents. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not allowed to talk to my family anymore since the fire incident. Before you get all up in arms, let me set the record straight – I didn’t set a fire. I merely took everyone’s presents and threw them into the fireplace when they wouldn’t let me open one of mine early. No big deal, right? One present. That’s all I wanted to open. But no, my family has “rules” and “traditions.” Hogwash. Those squares always overreacted to everything anyway. Who needs ‘em? Not me. I still like presents though, even though I don’t usually get any. That’s why I put together a Holiday Wish List every year. Now that I’m a Syber-World Astronaut, I thought I’d put my HWL (Holiday Wish List) up on the Internets.
My Holiday Wish List 2007
• A really sharp knife. I want one that cuts cans and opens doors.
• Three hundred dollars in unmarked singles. I owe a guy.
• One of those Russian fur hats that they wear in the Kremlin.
• Whale blubber. Don’t question me.
• A Nintendo Wii with additional nunchuk controller and Mario Party 8.
• A collection of discarded teeth with all necessary tools to make a necklace.
• Alpacas. Lots of ‘em.
• My weight in gold-covered chocolate coins.
• An Eye Phone, but keep in mind that I wear glasses sometimes.
• 1971, retold to me by a broad with a real sweet voice.
If you want to make this the best Christmas ever, go ahead and get me any of the things on this list. I’ll love you forever. Drop them off to me at work, but don’t put them in the “Toys for Tots” bins – those are just for my co-workers to use for my gifts. I wish they’d stop giving me dolls, though. I have more than enough already.